Tolkien's Flying Circus
by Spiny Norman
Summary: Crossover work also known as The Lord of the Rings by Monty Python.
1. Prologue

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**PROLOGUE**

Hobbits. What relevance do hobbits have to the future of middle earth?  
Strangely enough quite a lot. It was in such unlikely coincidences as hobbits fishing in a river that the evil One Ring was rediscovered.  
A simple hobbit stabbed the witch-king and he was instantly and completely vanquished. Another hobbit lost his balance and fell into the hot magma inside mount doom, and thus destroyed that same ring of power that he himself had discovered earlier.  
All these decisive events in the history of Middle-Earth have been leaps in the dark.  
Would Saruman have been seduced by the powers of darkness if he hadn't been studying that subject a little too closely for ages?  
Would Gandalf have succeeded in overthrowing the evil lord sauron if he hadn't been a meddlesome, cunning old wizard?  
Would Denethor have gone mad if he hadn't taken to using his palantir a little too often?  
Would Sauron have been a menacing dark lord, if he hadn't, by pure chance, spent hundreds of years hatching dark plans and raising evil armies?  
Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental events must have been wrong.  
Nevertheless, wizards believe that these hobbits, these comic, hairy footed little bastards, may unwittingly help man to save the uncharted future of Middle-Earth.

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	2. Boring Prophecy

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**BORING PROPHECY**

X. And there shall be rumours at that time, of Rings going astray, especially that ring that showeth writing, when cast into a fire. And the wraiths shall not really know, where lieth that one ring possessed by their master only two era's ago, which Isildur cut off their master's finger one evening around 8 o'clock, just before supper. And there shall be a great confusion as to where this ring really is, and nobody will really know where dwelleth the halflings that carry the ring.

XI. And it shall come to pass that a man shall return from his balcony and find that his palantir is not there, that a servant has thrown it out of the window. And mightily shall he smithe his servant who has grieved him at this time.

XII. It is said that at this time a friend shall forget his friends birthday present, and his friend shall strangle him and flee, and take to living in the mountains. Thus it is written in the hidden book of John Roals Reuel, which no-one can find.

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	3. The Hobbit, Questions in the Dark

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**THE HOBBIT**

Gandalf knocks at Bilbo's door.  
"Yes?", said Bilbo. "Greetings, Bilbo Baggins. I am an enchanter. There are some who call me... Mithrandir?"  
"What is it you want?"  
"I seek the finest and the bravest burglar to join me in the quest for the lonely mountain! Bilbo, we must away. Together with Thorin and his dwarves we must head for the Lonely Mountain to defeat Smaug the dragon."

And Bilbo replied: "What's the point of going abroad if you're just another burglar on an impossible quest with greedy grumpy dwarves all with almost identical names like sneezy and weezy and beezy, and getting captured and almost eaten by discussing trolls but rescued by a wizard, roaming around forests and finding vintage swords and visiting elves who don't have any alcohol and climbing mountains and getting captured by typically local orks, who don't speak english, but serve watney's red barrel, and where the food is terrible, and then you get lost instead of rescued and have to play riddlegames with a disgusting creature, and when you escape all that you still have to run away for orks and no places to buy postcards...

Here, Gandalf tried to interrupt him: "BE QUIET!!" But Bilbo continued:

..And after that you get to a host who can change into a bear and serves watney's red barrel when you leave it's all woods for miles to come, very boring, and you can't leave the path and if you do you there's awful spiders and...

Gandalf slammed his wand on the table and shouts: "SHUT UP!!!"

And then there's this elven king who is not at all as hospitable as he should be and the only way out is in barrels so everything get's soaked and all the dwarves start complaining about you and there's no place to buy any decent food and this dragon still is miles away and waiting for you and...

Thorin: PLEASE!! SHUT UP!! I can't bear it!!

**QUESTIONS IN THE DARK**

Gollum said, "The hobbit must have a competition with us, my precious... if it asks us a riddle, and we don't know the answer, we show it the way out, won't we, my precious."  
Bilbo replied: "OK. But I'll start. What is the capital of Assyria?"  
Gollum had not counted on that. "We doesn't know that! We wants three guessess! Aaaargh"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	4. Bilbo's Speech

Tolkien's Flying Circus

**BILBO'S FAREWELL SPEECH**

During Bilbo's speech, the people at the back have some difficulty to hear what is being said.  
Lobelia shouts: "Speak up!"  
Her son, Otho whispers: "Quiet, mum."  
Lobelia again: "Oh, let's go to the Green Dragon."  
"You can go to the pub anytime."  
A nearby hobbit said, "Will you be quiet!" Meanwhile, his wife told him, "Don't pick your feet!"  
"I wasn't picking my feet, I was scratching my ankle".  
"You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady..."  
Another hobbit, Rory, interrupted them. "Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying."  
"Don't you do you mind me, I was talking to my husband."  
"Well can't you talk to him somewhere else? I can't hear a bloody thing!"  
"Don't you swear my wife."  
"Well I was only asking her to shut up so we can hear what he's saying, bigfoot."  
"Don't you call my husband bigfoot!"  
Rory replied: "Well he has got big feet."  
At this point, others in turn intervened: "Could you be quiet please! Now, what was that?"  
Rory said, "I don't know, I was too busy talking to bigfoot here".  
Someone suggested, I think he knows half of us as well as he knows Mike.  
Someone else muttered, "Who is Mike?"  
The wife gave another "Don't pick your feet".  
"I wasn't going to pick my feet, I am going to thump him!"  
Rory said, "Listen, I am only telling the truth, you have got very big feet."  
"Your feet are going to be all over the floor by the time I'm finished with you!"  
But Rory was unimpressed: "Well who did yours, Smaugs big brother?"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	5. Bogus Wizards

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**BOGUD WIZARDS**

Frodo is on a couch, talking to Radagast the wizard is sitting beside him and is making notes:  
"... So you see, Bilbo has been acting very strange lately whenever someone even so much as mentions a ring."  
"And how is his sexlife? Does he cope with impotence?"  
Frodo: "No, that's not the problem."  
Gandalf suddenly comes in. He takes a look and says: "Allright, Radagast, thank you."  
"Frodo, I'm afraid Radagast isn't a fully qualified wizard. Well, not the sort of wizard like we really would prefer. He tends to suggest dirty things. Radagast, you'd better go. I'll handle this." Radagast leaves, slightly disappointed.  
Gandalf continues where Radagast left off: "So, Frodo, how is your relation with Sam? Are you his master?"  
Next, Saruman enters the room. In a firm voice he says: "Gandalf, out please! I told you not to do this anymore."  
"Mr. Baggins, I'm terribly sorry, we've had a lot of problems lately with bogus wizards. But it says wizzard on my hat, and I have a wand, so it is firmly established that I am a genuine wizard. So anyway, was Bilbo impotent? What kind of relation do you and Sam have?"  
Gandalf and Radagast peep through window and both say: "We asked him that!"  
Saruman shouts at them: "Out! On behalf of the association of wizards, I can assure you that we will take firm action against these bogus magicians. Now tell me about the ring of power..."

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	6. The Writing

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**THE WRITING IS ON THE RING**

Gandalf picked up the ring, and gave it back to Frodo.  
"Can you see any marks on it now?" he asked. Frodo: "I cannot read the fiery letters. Gandalf, you're our scholar."  
Gandalf: "But I can. The letters are Arameic, and the language is Arameic as well. I will not utter it here, but in common English it says:  
'One ring to rule them all  
One ring to find them  
One ring to bring them all  
And in the darkness bind them  
In the land of Aaaargh...'"  
Frodo repeated, increduously, '"Aaargh"?'  
"Well that's what is says..."  
Sam interrupted: "He must have died while forging it."  
Frodo said "Shut up. Where is Aaargh, Gandalf?"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	7. Discussions at Isengard

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**DISCUSSIONS AT ISENGARD**

Gandalf arrives at Isengard. He meets up with Saruman outside the tower of Isengard.

Saruman interrupts Gandalf before he really had a chance to say something: "Do you want to come upstairs?" Gandalf replied, 'I beg your pardon?'  
"Do you want to come upstairs? Oh or have you come to discuss the fate of Middle-Earth and the One ring? (sigh)"  
'Yes, what is all this about upstairs...?'  
"Oh, nothing.I am indeed honoured, Mithrandir, that you have placed your trust in me. After years of absence for secret research, you are here to speak with me about your latest discovery about Sauron's evil works. Well Gandalf, old friend, let's hear it."  
'It's...'  
"Oh I'm sorry. You don't mind if I call you Gandalf, instead of Mithrandir?"  
'No...'  
"It saves a syllable..."  
'Alright.'  
"But I don't want to be disrespectful..."  
'No problem...'  
"Thank you. Sorry to have brought it up..."  
'Just get on with it, we haven't got all day...'  
"Right. Thank you. Sorry for the interruption. So, master Stormcrow..."  
'What? Don't call me Stormcrow!'  
"Did I call you master Stormcrow? I don't think I did."  
'You did. Now get on with it!'  
"Can I call you babydoll?"  
'No!'  
"Pumpkin?"  
'Certainly not!'  
"Elven drawers?"  
'Right, that's it. I'm off.'  
"Master Mithrandir, will you tell me about Sauron's plans?"  
'Really? No more of this pumpkinny nonsense?'  
"None whatsoever. You have my complete attention."  
'Well, I'm afraid Frodo Baggins from the Shire is burdened with the One Ring.'  
"Shut up already."  
That's all the information I need."  
'Saruman, the one ring has been found.'  
"No it isn't."  
'Yes it is.'  
"No it isn't. 'Look, stop contradicting me!'  
"I don't!"  
'You did just then!'  
"I never!"  
'Oh this is futile. I came here for wise council.'  
"No you didn't."  
'Well council isn't just contradiction.'  
"Yes it is."  
'No it isn't. Council is using one's wisdom to try and solve problems in the world surrounding us, it's not just saying 'no it isn't.'  
"Yes it is."  
'No it isn't.

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	8. At the Prancing Pony

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**AT THE PRANCING PONY**

Butterbur stepped forward and said: "Welcome, young hobbits. What can I do for you"  
'We're waiting for Gandalf. Meanwhile a room for four, please, and some food. What's on the menu?'  
Butterbur replied, Well, there's potatoes and spam, spam and rabbit, spam mushrooms and spam, spam potatoes spam and spam, spam egg mushroom and spam, spam spam spam...

A mysterious man in worn clothes came up to Frodo: "G'devening"  
Frodo looked surprised, and said: 'Old man! Who are you?'  
"I'm 150"  
'What?'  
"I'm not old, I'm only 150."  
'Not old? You're 150 and you call that not old? You're a relic.'  
"Listen, do you eh... wear any jewelery? Golden objects, hey, he asked him knowingly? Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, know what I mean??"  
'I don't know what you're talking about.'  
"Do you ever go invisible? Hey? Know what I mean, say no more, nudge nudge, wink wink."  
'I have no idea what you mean. My name is mister Underhill.'  
"Say no more!!"  
'Look, are you insinuating something?'  
"No, no, no, no, yes."  
'Well?'  
"Well you're been around a bit..."  
'I have travelled, yes.'  
"You've done it. I mean, you've got black riders chasing you."  
'Well, yes.'  
"Let me go with you. I can take care these Nazgûl. Let me take them singlehandedly, there's only nine of them!"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	9. The Council of Elrond: Story Time

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**THE COUNCIL OF ELROND - STORYTIME**

In Rivendell, Elrond welcomes everyone to the council, and begins to narrate the long history of the ring. He has brought a large, battered old book.  
"Hello everyone. Hello. Today I will tell you the history of the ring. We'll start at the very beginning. Are you ready? Yes? Good, then we'll begin."  
He opens the book. "Luthien was the most beautiful Elvish Maiden..."  
He turns the book 90 degrees and is quiet for a few seconds. Then he turns the book back to the normal position. "Owww... Ehm oh eh yes, Luthien was dancing in the forest, when Beren came by. Excited by her slender figure he approached her. Roughly he grabbed her by her shoulders, and pushed her down onto the grass. Quickly he tore away her dress and started to..."  
Elrond realises this was not the story he was looking for. He looks at book in terror, and turns some pages, until he finds a better place to start: He chuckles.  
"Celebrimbor was a handy craftsman, who could forge all manner of things. He specialized in body ornaments. In his little shop he sold piercings, and custom made d...??!!"  
Here he raises his voice increduously, and breaks off the story once more. He quickly turns to another chapter in his book. He is getting nervous.  
"Heheh. Cirdan was a jolly sort of fellow who loved the life by the sea. He liked to hang out at the dock where the orcs dressed as ladies??! ... " as he reads on, he mutters a few words " ... Corruption? Naked wraiths? ... With a palantir???!!!"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	10. The Council of Elrond: Decisions

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**THE COUNCIL OF ELROND**

Elrond has but one advice to give to the council: "The ring must be destroyed!"  
But Boromir was not so sure about this: "Why? Why don't we use it against our enemy? Let us turn his own weapon against him!"  
Aragorn stood up, and says: "Tell him, gandalf."  
"The ring is very evil. No-one can wield its power."  
"Can't we use it just a few times if we are really careful?"  
"No we can't.", said Elrond.  
"Now look this isn't a council!", objected Boromir.  
"Yes it is"  
"No it isn't, you're just giving orders."  
"No I don't. Now shut up and do as I say."  
"See?"  
Elrond said in a patient voice: "Look, the council must make decisions. We can't delay this mission by endless debate."  
But Boromir still was not convinced. "Yes, but that's not just issuing orders from your chair. A council implies some effort to decide together what's best and all work for it. It's not just commanding the people."  
"And the elves.", interrupted Gimli.  
"Why are you always on about elves?", said Legolas.  
"'Cause I want to be one."  
Several voices shouted in amazement: "What? Why?"  
"I like the way they dress."  
"You can't wear elven clothing!", replied Legolas.  
"Don't suppress me!"  
"I'm not suppressing you, it's the wrong size! You're too short! You'd trip and fall over every step you take!"  
But here Gandalf offered a solution: "Ah, I know. Let's say that he can't wear elvish dresses, because they don't come in his size, which is sauron's fault, obviously, but he can have the right to wear them."  
Elrond took over again. "What's the point? Now get on with it! The ring will have to be destroyed."  
"Yes but..."  
At this point, Elrond rang a small bell that was on the table. "That's it. Council's closed. On your way."  
"What?"  
"It's madness to delay. Away you go!"  
"Aren't you even coming with us?"  
"Solidarity, human brother!"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	11. Dead Wizard

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**DEAD WIZARD**

In Moria, Gandalf faces the Balrog: "None shall pass"  
The balrog roars impressively.  
"NONE SHALL PASS!"  
The balrog roars even more impressively.  
"At least, not before you have answered me these questions three, ere the other side you see. If you fail to answer you will be cast in the gorge of Khazad-Dum."  
The balrog is slightly taken aback: "What?"  
Gandalf asks quickly: "What is your name? What is the maximum velocity of a giant eagle? What is the capital of Arnor?"  
The balrog did not count on this: "My name? I don't have a name... aaaargh What's yours?"  
But Gandalf did not expect this last question either. "Mithran... no ganda... aaargh... Run away!", he shouts, as he falls down the abyss.

Frodo cries, "I can't believe he is really dead. He cannot be gone."  
Boromir assures him "No, he's dead allright."  
Frodo can't stop thinking about him. "Remarkable wizard, that Gandalf... beautiful fireworks."  
"The fireworks don't enter into it! He's stone dead!"  
"He's resting."  
"Look Frodo, that wizard is definitely deceased."  
But Frodo said, "He is probably pining for the Grey Havens."  
Boromir answered, "Pining for the Grey Havens? What kind of talk is that and why did he fall down that gorge?"  
"He prefers dramatic escapes! It's for his idiom."  
"He fell from that tall bridge into the abyss!"  
Frodo has an answer: "Of course. He'll beat up that Balrog, get on a broomstick, and VOOOM."  
Boromir simply can't believe it: "Mate that wizard wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through him! He's bleedin' demised!"  
"Noo, he's pining..."  
Boromir raises his voice: "HE'S NOT PINING, he has passed on! He's expired, gone to meet Illuvatar. This is an ex-Istari. If he hadn't fallen beyond recall he'd be pushing up the elenor by now!"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	12. Lothlorien Shopping

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**LOTHLORIEN SHOPPING**

Cheerful harp music is in the background. Galadriel is giving presents to the members of the fellowship. She is standing before Gimli:

"...and what could a dwarf possibly ask of me? Gimli, son of Gloin, what gift would your heart desire."  
Gimli does not need long to think: "I'd like a machinegun.", he said politely.  
"I'm afraid we're fresh out of machine guns."  
"Oh er, how about some liquor?", he said, slightly taken aback.  
"We drank it all yesterday. Don't you remember?"  
Indeed, some of the party look a bit like they have a hangover.  
But Gimli was not about to give up: "Never mind, how about some money."  
Galadriel again had to disappoint him. "No, we don't use money around here, there's not much call for it."  
Muttering a curse, he continued: "Well have you got any condoms then?"  
"I'll have a look my good man." She looks around. "Hmmm..." She looks behind a bush. "No... that's been used already... Hmmmm, no. Sorry."  
"A string of your hair perhaps"  
"It's a wig."  
"Camembert perhaps?"  
"Hmmm... Oh! Celeborn's just eaten it."  
Gimli glances at Celeborn, who pretends not to notice.  
"Ah! Could you get me the latest copy of playdwarf, with the centrefold featuring the sexy dwarf in mithril lingerie, Workmate of the 2nd era."  
"Oh really? We'll have it end of the week"  
At this point, Gimli takes the axe from his back and throws it into a harp with a decide expression on his face. "Shut that bloody harp music up!!! It's not much of parting gift shop is it"  
"The finest in Lothlorien.", replied Galadriel indignant. Gimli is not convinced. "Explain the logic underlying that conclusion"  
"Well the scenery is so nice."  
"Certainly no useful objects disturbing the atmosphere."  
"Well, name what you heart desires, and I shall do what I can."  
"Well, I have this one question... if it's not too personal..."  
"Yes?"  
"Are you a virgin?"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	13. Mount Doom

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**MOUNT DOOM**

Frodo and Sam enter Mount Doom. The heat is intense.

"Blimey, it's hot in here.", said Frodo.  
'Hot enough to boil a goblin's bum in here, mister Frodo.'  
"That is a strange expression Sam."  
'Well mister Frodo, I heard Celeborn use it. "It's hot enough in here to boil a goblin's bum in here, Galadriel, he said, and she smiled quietly to herself."'  
"She's a good piece of elf chick and not at all stuck up."  
'Blast, here comes that gollum fellow now.'

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	14. The Four Shiremen

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**THE FOUR SHIREMEN**

Years afterwards, the four hobbits are sitting in the Green Dragon. They think of the times they had, and a certain nostalgia enters into the conversation:

Frodo, with many memories on his face, said "Who'd have thought ten years ago we'd all be sitting here, smoking longleaf?"  
The other three agreed. "You know, we were lucky in those days. Though we were on a kamikaze quest.", said Sam. Merry stated, "Becáuse we were on a kamikaze quest. Rings don't buy you hapiness. Used to live in this tiny old house, with great big holes in the roof."  
Frodo said, "House? What hobbit lives in a house? I had to live in a hole under the ground, with my uncle Bilbo."  
Sam said, "Aye, he was right. I was happier then and I had nothing. I used to live in a hole in the ground with me Gaffer. A nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell."  
Pippin said, "Well it's better then a dry, bare sandy hole, with no furniture, isn't it?"   
Merry corrected, "Our house was just a hole in the ground too, you now. But we had to leave! Once we set off we had to sleep in the open air, in the middle of the winter, chased by hobbicidal black riders."   
Frodo had more to say on this matter: "Well, as the ringbearer I of course had it tough: I was beaten up by a gang of wraiths, stabbed with a poisonous dagger, all my limbs fell off, and I started hallucinating."   
Pippin complained, "And after that we were ushered out of Rivendell, and got covered under twelve meters of snow and ice, and falling rocks, and then we went into the mines of Moria, half the floor was missing, and we got flogged by a balrog with a fiery whip. I had no skin left on my back when we got away."   
Sam was not convinced this was anything worse then what he and Frodo had been through: "You were lucky! We had to go and live in a haunted swamp! We woke up every morning surrounded by ghosts!! Nothing to eat but rotting dead frogs. Terrible stench! And Gollum and Sauron staring at us like mad all the time."   
But Merry said: "We used to dream of living in a swamp! It would have been a palace to us. We were kidnapped by the Uruk Hai! We had to run all day without interruption, eat really old bread and drink their disgusting booze. And at night they'd get bored and would amuse themselves with us for hours."   
Frodo was calm, and said: "Uruk hai? Was that all? Here we were living in a corridor... a giant spider's corridor! She bit me to sleep, and I woke up covered in slime, inside Mordor, captured by orks, they spat me in the face and tortured me hours and hours just for fun."   
But Pippin was unimpressed: "Paradise! We had to live with a tree! Everything went so slow we'd ask for breakfast and starve to death before it arrived! Before he understood we were not orcs, he'd already squashed us like bugs, and broken every bone in our bodies."   
"Luxury.", said Sam quietly,"When we got away from the orks and spiders, we had to go and live in an active volcano! Half the floor was missing, nothing to eat but hot lava, and Gollum bit all our fingers off and threw them away, into the fire. And when he'd finished, he started with our toes! And what did we get for it? A 'thank you, now I can be king' from Aragorn. Very nice."   
Merry added, "And when we got home to the shire, Saruman had destroyed it all with toxic waste, and danced between the ruins, singing Hallelujah."   
Frodo said finally, "And you try and tell it to peter jackson, and he won't believe you!"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	15. Wraithoplasty

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**WRAITHOPLASTY**

Things can get rather boring at Isengard. Saruman had started watching the palantir at first just because he felt bored. Before long, his attention turned to a strange interview. He could not figure out where or when it had taken place, as sometimes the palantir showed things from the past. Here is how it went.

He saw Tom Bombadil sitting in a chair, and talking straight in his direction: "Tonight in "Who Curses" we examine the frontiers of magic. With us is mr. Sauron, ring-crafter and international evil tyrant, and his most powerfull victim, the wraith mr. Witch-king. Mr. Sauron, the sorcery performed on the witch-king is truly remarkable, but why a wraith?"  
Here the palantir gave a larger picture, he could see two persons now, and an empty chair.  
Sauron said: "Well, it was a stroke of luck, really. I had just finished one of my rings and the Witch-king happened to be walking past Mount Doom at the time."  
Tom Bombadil asked him: "And what was mr. Witch-Kings reaction to his slow and painful fading transformation?"  
Sauron replied: "Well, shock at first, and later anger and hate. But his family was marvelous, and they helped him pull through until he killed all of them."  
Tom Bombadil : "Will he be able to lead a fairly normal life?"  
Sauron: "Oh, no. He can't shave himself because he is invisible, and I suspect he will not be invited to a lot of parties. But those are only very minor drawbacks, considering the highly sophisticated enchantments performed."  
Tom Bombadil: "Some years ago you were the centre of a controverse, when Celebrimbor claimed you stole the secret craft of ringmaking."  
Sauron: "Elvish ignorance, if I may say so. I've forged lots of rings, only this time, it was a ring of power."

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	16. Stake Your Claim

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**STAKE YOUR CLAIM**

That friday evening in Minas Tirith, a strange light was seen from the tower of Ecthellion. But few were surprised. Usually on friday night, there were interesting things to see in the palantir that Lord Denethor wouldn't want to miss. This evening Tom Bombadil was talking to a few guests at his place.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen", said Tom straight into the palantir, "Tonight on 'stake your claim' we have with us a mr. Smeagol, who claims he legally owns the one ring."

And indeed, to his right there was Gollum, in a chair. "Yess, that iss right, my precious...", he hissed.  
"Don't call me that! Now, mr. Smeagol, how did you came by this ring?", asked Tom.  
"It was our birthday present, my preciouss..."  
"Now this ring is known to have been made in the year 1600 of the second era. How old are you, mr. Smeagol?"  
This question took Gollum some time to think. But al last he remembered (more or less): "Almosst 600 yearss, my preciouss"  
"So you were born in the third age? How do you explain that the ring was made thousands of years before you were born?"  
Gollum got upset and hissed: "Not fair! Not fair! It isn't fair with us, isn't it, my preciouss..."

After he had removed Gollum, Tom Bombadil looked at a piece of paper, and announced the next contestant to be "... a sir Boromir of Gondor, who claims that (surprised) ... the one ring should be his!"  
Boromir entered and said in a calm but decisive voice: "That's right. It belongs by right of conquest to the people of Minas Tirith, that I happen to represent."  
"Now mr. Boromir, I understand there is some discussion about reinstuting the monarchy in your country..."  
Boromir replied coolly but slightly nervous: "No. No, not at all. Gondor doesn't have a king. Who said such a thing?"  
"It is genealogically proven that there is an heir to the throne of Gondor. How then would you claim the ring?"  
Muttering under his breath, Boromir took off.

Tom Bombadil continued: "Also here tonight is a mr. Saruman, who will stake his claim that he should control the power of... (hardly surprised anymore) the one ring."  
Saruman is there, radiating wisdom: "Yes, as head of the order of wizards I am the highest authority for such matters. Therefore I think it would be wisest if the ring were handed over to me. For the best interest of Middle-Earth."  
"Mr. Saruman, where is our staff?"  
"What?"  
"Well, if you are indeed, as you say, the head of the wizards of middle earth, you should have a wand, shouldn't you?"  
"Eh, I've had a little accident. I fell down the stairs and broke it."  
"NEXT!"  
In comes Bilbo.  
"Bilbo Baggins. And you claim the one ring is yours as well I suppose?"  
"Eh, no.", he said disappointed.  
"You don't?"  
"No, I renounce my claim. I wouldn't last five minutes with you.", said Bilbo with a sad face.  
"In that case, goodbye!"

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


	17. peter Before John

_Tolkien's Flying Circus_

**PETER BEFORE JOHN**

Professor John R.R. Tolkien is sitting in his study. peter jackson comes in.

"Ah, Peter, I'd like a word about those movie adaptions you did on my books."  
'Yes?'  
"I must say I am not pleased at all."  
peter is completely flabbergasted: 'Not pleased?! Don't you like the homosexual rape scene? Don't you like the kangaroo?'  
So, in fact, is Tolkien: "Rape? And a Kangaroo? There's a kangaroo in the films?"  
peter explains: 'Yeah, I put a kangaroo in Moria. But I can change that you know. I could CGI it into a ringwraith.'  
"Good of you to mention it. That was another problem. The wraiths."  
'What? D'you think they're too American?'  
"No, the problem is you entered twenty-eight of them in the story.", answers professor Tolkien.  
peter explains innocently: 'Yes, well, I thought we had some gigabytes left, copypaste a couple, and anyway some of them die so...'  
"I clearly wrote you there were only nine black riders."  
'Assistant-wraiths?'  
"No."  
'Minions?'  
"None."  
'Maybe they shared nine rings between the lot of them?'  
Tolkine exclaimed: "No. There were nine rings, and nine nazgûl. And one gollum!"  
'One?'  
"Yes. One. And now please tell me what came into your mind to cast three gollums?"  
peter feels insulted. 'It works great!', he defends himself, 'They're each others evil twin brothers, they're like a brotherhood of tragic evil. The big one strangles the two smaller gollums, and filled with remorse, leaps into the fire.'  
But professor Tolkien is adamant. "One gollum is quite sufficient. I demand that you immediately remove all kangaroos, rape scenes, and leave only one gollum and nine nazgûl. I will see it end of the week, or else I'll take you to college, and give my students a little demonstration of ancient anglo-saxon acts of violence.'  
peter is horrified. 'I'll tell you what you want: you want bloody Akira Kurosawa, mate!'  
"I told you to read the book ans stick to it without making stuff up!"  
'You bloody Britton!'  
"I'm the bloody writer!", shouts professor Tolkien.

* * *

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head. 


End file.
